After a bit of a gain from Easter, my weight loss has gotten back on the right track. I’ve been eating better, and generally feeling better, although still, occasionally, a bit hungry. Really I can’t expect not to. I am noticing a lot of little moments, where I would have eaten something without thinking, where I now stop and usually, don’t eat.

I’m also noticing my life has not suddenly changed for the better.

So in response to that I’ve been going harder. Not just in nutrition, but in everything in life. Every minute is prescribed for some task or meeting, nearly every moment is used for some kind of money-making venture. I’m super busy and doing what society says I should be doing in my mid-20s.

And I’m bored.

And I’m frustrated.

Earlier today U2’s “Running To Stand Still” came on my iPhone, and I thought “Yup, that’s where I am.” It hit me very suddenly. I am doing exactly that. I’m running, but…I’m not really getting anywhere. I’m making money, yes. And some of what I’m doing is valuable experience.

But I’m competing against these ghosts of people with greater business acumen then I have, with the classmates who are making more than I am, with the ones who are married and have fancy condos and houses. I’m working harder for…what? I don’t really care about business, and I don’t think it really runs the world. People do, pure and simple, and I care about people. Money? Fuck it. If you gave me the choice between working an 80 hour week and earning double what I make now or working a 40 hour week and staying where I am, I’d pick stay where I am. Married with a condo?

K, you got me there, that, yeah, I want. But there are limits to how much of that I can do on my lonesome.

I used to think I could do a lot of this if I really wanted to, I just don’t want to. I built my entire identity around infinite ability.

We all like to think we’re special, and unique. And when we’re told we’re not, it’s framed in some kind of post-hippie, depressing, Chuck Palahniuk-style revelation.

I don’t think even Palahniuk meant it that way.

(Sidebar: Must watch Fight Club again soon).

When you start to realize that you aren’t unique, you aren’t special, it’s freeing. When you stop trying to compete with some ideal, to match up to the boy down the street, you can start figuring out what you really want to do, and maybe it’s something he can do, and maybe it isn’t. Competing just to be better is bullshit. Going and going just to go is ridiculous. You end having to run just to stand still.

So I’m stopping. I’m going to figure out where I want to go, and I’m going to go. But no more of this working for the sake of work. No more filling time just to fill time. And no more competition.

I am not a beautiful or unique snowflake.