As I walked from the train today, I asked myself “What can I do to achieve my goals today?”

The answer is nothing.

But that’s not a bad answer.

We always want to do something. When I was trying to lose weight before, I’d try to exercise a lot, without changing my diet. When I tried to save money, I’d buy things which I thought would finally solve all my problems and mean I wouldn’t have to buy any more things.

I’ll give you two guesses how both of those worked out.

So today I decided I will do nothing to further my goals. I feel like that should be nothing with a capital N, more Nothing. I will not buy something I don’t need (as this has been a stressful week and that’s a normal outlet) and I will not go eat something unhealthy (another normal outlet). Instead I will do Nothing. I will work hard at my job, rejoice in using my iPad (which I’m typing this on, by the by) and then go home and relax.

Actually I’ll go out for drinks with a friend whom I had mixed up dates with. But really, nothing spectacular.

I always want to do something to solve my problems. Action is, sometimes, easier than inaction. It feels better. But in terms of my goals, right now, inaction is the best choice.

I’ve always struggled with weight. Always.

I was made fun of as a kid for being overweight and since then it’s something I’ve struggled with, with a general upwards curve to my weight. The only times I’ve ever managed to lose consistently was when I had tons of time to devote to exercise. One summer I lost close to 40 pounds through running. Mind you I was largely unemployed, a social hermit and the weather was gorgeous. I was devoting close to two hours a day, every day, to running. But I was also sleeping and relaxing a lot. I’d stay up late, get up around 10 or 11, lounge about for a while, and go for a run around 12 or 1. I’d go slowly, but surely, for around 10k. I was eating whatever I wanted, and I was able to, cause I was burning a metric ton of calories.

After that summer, I went to university, and the weight went right back on. I didn’t have time to run as much, and as winter came the dedication was lost. 

Fast forward to today, some leg issues mean I can’t run, period. Well, I can for about 20 minutes, then I have to stop. It’s something I’d like to look into when I have benefits that will cover it. But really that’s not the root of my weight problem. I have 3 jobs right now and barely enough time to sit down and watch a half hour of TV, let alone exercise. I’m heavily involved with Moksha Yoga Mississauga, so any exercise I do is generally there. But their schedule means that there’s usually only one or two classes a day I can make it to, and if I miss one of those…

So I’m left to lose weight without heavy exercise. My running routine was in no way sustainable, without the sacrifice of any kind of social life. And while I try to make it to yoga when I can, things do get in the way. Eating habits is where my downfall happens. I know that. But it’s one of the things I’ve been least willing to change.

I love eating. I really do. It’s therapeutic, it can be combined with other activities (namely TV, another of my favourite things) and what’s dangerous, it’s not something you can go cold turkey on. It’s not like smoking where you can quit it. Eating is required for life. And though you can quit junk foods, what’s junk? Some salads have more fat than a Big Mac, some chocolate is good for you, a moderate amount of alcohol is shown to have a positive correlation with long life (red wine, for preference). I know someone out there will be able to answer all that, but my point is that, eating healthy these days isn’t simple. And the motivation to do so is all the more elusive.

That’s why I’m going to a nutritionist. I read an article about one recently that seems to have a good program, based largely on common-sense and a busy lifestyle. A lot of it may be, however, the fact that, on a weekly basis, someone will be looking at my number on the scale, looking at what I’ve eaten, and judging me based on that. I’ve always been reticent to share those things, because I am embarrassed. I give myself a lot of treats, a lot of “you’ve had a rough day, you can have this” allowances. Too many, probably.

A friend of mine criticized me for this, and said this was pointless, that it was all common sense and that he could practically do it for me for free. While that may be right, I don’t think having a friend, or reading an article, or signing up for a website, is enough for me. Cause I’ve done all those things.

That’s what’s really driven me to this. I’ve tried everything else. I don’t know what else to do, and I think I need some help with this. So I’m going to pay someone to help me. If this doesn’t work…personal trainer maybe?

But I’ve decided it’s going to work. I’m at the end of my rope, I’m in dangerous territory health wise, and I need help. So yeah. It’s going to work. It has to.