I went up half a pound my last time at the nutritionist.

She told me this was fairly normal after my huge initial weight loss, reminded me that muffins are essentially the least healthy thing you can eat, and sent me on my way. While I was slightly deflated, I took it in stride. I was already fitting into some things I hadn’t in a while, and was seeing encouraging numbers on the scale. Besides, it was only half a pound.

Then it was a friend’s birthday at a place with great pub food.

Then it was Easter dinner.

Then it was Easter with so much candy and chocolate.

So I’d be willing to bet good money I’ll be up tomorrow as well. I did try and go for a run today, and I am doing my best outside the candy, so…we’ll see how much I’m up.

It’s like any habit, though. You fall off, and you get back on.

So I’m going to watch a badass movie first. What’s a badass movie, you ask? I’m glad you asked.

These are movies featuring badass people that I admire. Well, let’s qualify that. These are, generally, fictional people, doing things that I in no way ever want to do. Jason Bourne is a great example of this, so is Bond in Casino Royale, Don Draper in Mad Men, George Clooney’s character in Up In The Air, the real Ewan MacGregor in Long Way Round/Down and Joshua Jackson’s character in One Week. Some of it is physical badassery, like being able to overcome great physical obstacles and take down superior enemies, while some of it is more mental badassery or style-based badassery. But these things inspire me. I know I will never fit in a suit the way Don Draper does, and I will never be able to take down multiple armed enemies the way Jason Bourne does. But I can get a little closer if I focus on my goals and work at it. And while martial arts is not really something I want to pursue, that level of physical excellence is inspiring. All these things make me think that if I work hard and keep at it, I can and will be able to do some of the things they do.

The other thing that gets me back on the wagon is girls.

I know, I know, I should do this for myself, not for others. And I am, for the most part. But a large part of why I’m doing this to feel more confident in my own skin.

And so for inspiration, I do occasionally think back on the ones who got away. I have some old pictures I rifle through, I seek out a mutual friend and find out what one of these girls is up to. There’s a couple who I always liked, but never got up the courage to approach. The way they acted, held themselves, the things they accomplished, all inspired me to be a better person and made me want to have this awesome person in my life. I wanted to be more like them and wanted to be able to measure up, so I could have the courage to chat them up and see what happened.

Odds are I would have put these girls on pedestals and it never would have worked anyway. But they serve as inspiration. I’ve dated some amazing girls, but it’s the ones I never tried for that both haunt, and drive me to do more, to be better. So that the next time I meet one of those, I’ll be ready.

Cause they always, always, come out of nowhere.

Old habits die hard is a cliche. It seems a little…over the top, habits dying. But it’s a cliche because it’s…well, true.

My visit to the nutritionist on Thursday was a tad discouraging. I was only down 1/4 of a pound from the last time I was there. She said this was natural, and that I shouldn’t get discouraged. When people have a big drop, she said, they usually bounce back up. The fact that I wasn’t actually above where I had been before was great.

I handed her my food diary, and she started critiquing a few of my choices, giving me a slightly disparaging look whenever she’d see something I shouldn’t be eating on there. Not unkind, not without understanding, just a kind of quiet “come on, really?” look. I’d have the immediate urge to justify it, to explain it, to make her say “Oh, yes, I can understand. I would’ve done the same in your position.” It made me realize how often I have the urge to do that. To explain myself, to try and make people see it from my point of view and to sympathize and relate. 

Read More

On Thursday I met with the nutritionist. She’s very intense, very downtown core. I’m coming to find people who work in the downtown core seem to be cut from the same cloth. They’re fast, direct, cut and dry. Very business. While I enjoy working there for now, the more time I spend there, the more I wonder if that world is really where I want to be forever.

But that’s another post.

Read More

I’ve always struggled with weight. Always.

I was made fun of as a kid for being overweight and since then it’s something I’ve struggled with, with a general upwards curve to my weight. The only times I’ve ever managed to lose consistently was when I had tons of time to devote to exercise. One summer I lost close to 40 pounds through running. Mind you I was largely unemployed, a social hermit and the weather was gorgeous. I was devoting close to two hours a day, every day, to running. But I was also sleeping and relaxing a lot. I’d stay up late, get up around 10 or 11, lounge about for a while, and go for a run around 12 or 1. I’d go slowly, but surely, for around 10k. I was eating whatever I wanted, and I was able to, cause I was burning a metric ton of calories.

After that summer, I went to university, and the weight went right back on. I didn’t have time to run as much, and as winter came the dedication was lost. 

Fast forward to today, some leg issues mean I can’t run, period. Well, I can for about 20 minutes, then I have to stop. It’s something I’d like to look into when I have benefits that will cover it. But really that’s not the root of my weight problem. I have 3 jobs right now and barely enough time to sit down and watch a half hour of TV, let alone exercise. I’m heavily involved with Moksha Yoga Mississauga, so any exercise I do is generally there. But their schedule means that there’s usually only one or two classes a day I can make it to, and if I miss one of those…

So I’m left to lose weight without heavy exercise. My running routine was in no way sustainable, without the sacrifice of any kind of social life. And while I try to make it to yoga when I can, things do get in the way. Eating habits is where my downfall happens. I know that. But it’s one of the things I’ve been least willing to change.

I love eating. I really do. It’s therapeutic, it can be combined with other activities (namely TV, another of my favourite things) and what’s dangerous, it’s not something you can go cold turkey on. It’s not like smoking where you can quit it. Eating is required for life. And though you can quit junk foods, what’s junk? Some salads have more fat than a Big Mac, some chocolate is good for you, a moderate amount of alcohol is shown to have a positive correlation with long life (red wine, for preference). I know someone out there will be able to answer all that, but my point is that, eating healthy these days isn’t simple. And the motivation to do so is all the more elusive.

That’s why I’m going to a nutritionist. I read an article about one recently that seems to have a good program, based largely on common-sense and a busy lifestyle. A lot of it may be, however, the fact that, on a weekly basis, someone will be looking at my number on the scale, looking at what I’ve eaten, and judging me based on that. I’ve always been reticent to share those things, because I am embarrassed. I give myself a lot of treats, a lot of “you’ve had a rough day, you can have this” allowances. Too many, probably.

A friend of mine criticized me for this, and said this was pointless, that it was all common sense and that he could practically do it for me for free. While that may be right, I don’t think having a friend, or reading an article, or signing up for a website, is enough for me. Cause I’ve done all those things.

That’s what’s really driven me to this. I’ve tried everything else. I don’t know what else to do, and I think I need some help with this. So I’m going to pay someone to help me. If this doesn’t work…personal trainer maybe?

But I’ve decided it’s going to work. I’m at the end of my rope, I’m in dangerous territory health wise, and I need help. So yeah. It’s going to work. It has to.