Yesterday I wrote the NPPA, or National Professional Practice Assessment. This is a test for HR people to determine if they have the judgment and skills necessary to be Certified HR Professionals, or CHRPs. I feel like I passed it, but with multiple choice, I’m never really sure.

But in keeping with my recent themes, that’s not really what I’m here to talk about. 

Friday and Saturday I returned to my old eating habits, very, very quickly. I was eating whatever I could get my hands on that would be tasty and wonderful and satisfy my stress of having a huge test tomorrow that I’d dropped a lot of money to write. In ways I expected this, but I was also amazed at how quickly I dropped back into those bad eating habits. I thought those were behind me, they were dead and gone.

But no. They’re not. Just below the surface, they lurk.

That’s not the end of the world, though. Cause I felt generally crappy, physically on Friday and pretty horrible on Saturday. I actually thought to myself “I used to eat like this?” Because really, Saturday would have been a perfectly normal day for me a few months ago. Fried foods and crap in general. I felt horrible; I had a stomach ache, a head ache and just could not do anything. I came home, mumbled a few words to my parents and collapsed in bed.

Today I’m worried. As of this Monday I was 1/4 of the way to my weight loss goal, down almost 14 pounds. Now? I may have gained 1 or 2 back and part of me wants to freak out at that. I won’t, though, because I learned something great yesterday.

As much as old eating habits can come back, I’m already at the point where they don’t come back as easily and I can recognize how bad they are. In ways, it’s not always about whether or not you have an unhealthy meal, or an unhealthy day. There may be set backs, you may have trouble, but really, it’s about what you do before and after that counts. I had been good for most of the week leading up to Friday and Saturday.

And today, I had a healthy breakfast and I’m going to yoga.

I am the Tallahassee* of habit-fighting.

* That’s a Zombieland reference. If you haven’t seen it, go see it. NOW.

After a bit of a gain from Easter, my weight loss has gotten back on the right track. I’ve been eating better, and generally feeling better, although still, occasionally, a bit hungry. Really I can’t expect not to. I am noticing a lot of little moments, where I would have eaten something without thinking, where I now stop and usually, don’t eat.

I’m also noticing my life has not suddenly changed for the better.

So in response to that I’ve been going harder. Not just in nutrition, but in everything in life. Every minute is prescribed for some task or meeting, nearly every moment is used for some kind of money-making venture. I’m super busy and doing what society says I should be doing in my mid-20s.

And I’m bored.

And I’m frustrated.

Earlier today U2’s “Running To Stand Still” came on my iPhone, and I thought “Yup, that’s where I am.” It hit me very suddenly. I am doing exactly that. I’m running, but…I’m not really getting anywhere. I’m making money, yes. And some of what I’m doing is valuable experience.

But I’m competing against these ghosts of people with greater business acumen then I have, with the classmates who are making more than I am, with the ones who are married and have fancy condos and houses. I’m working harder for…what? I don’t really care about business, and I don’t think it really runs the world. People do, pure and simple, and I care about people. Money? Fuck it. If you gave me the choice between working an 80 hour week and earning double what I make now or working a 40 hour week and staying where I am, I’d pick stay where I am. Married with a condo?

K, you got me there, that, yeah, I want. But there are limits to how much of that I can do on my lonesome.

I used to think I could do a lot of this if I really wanted to, I just don’t want to. I built my entire identity around infinite ability.

We all like to think we’re special, and unique. And when we’re told we’re not, it’s framed in some kind of post-hippie, depressing, Chuck Palahniuk-style revelation.

I don’t think even Palahniuk meant it that way.

(Sidebar: Must watch Fight Club again soon).

When you start to realize that you aren’t unique, you aren’t special, it’s freeing. When you stop trying to compete with some ideal, to match up to the boy down the street, you can start figuring out what you really want to do, and maybe it’s something he can do, and maybe it isn’t. Competing just to be better is bullshit. Going and going just to go is ridiculous. You end having to run just to stand still.

So I’m stopping. I’m going to figure out where I want to go, and I’m going to go. But no more of this working for the sake of work. No more filling time just to fill time. And no more competition.

I am not a beautiful or unique snowflake.

I went up half a pound my last time at the nutritionist.

She told me this was fairly normal after my huge initial weight loss, reminded me that muffins are essentially the least healthy thing you can eat, and sent me on my way. While I was slightly deflated, I took it in stride. I was already fitting into some things I hadn’t in a while, and was seeing encouraging numbers on the scale. Besides, it was only half a pound.

Then it was a friend’s birthday at a place with great pub food.

Then it was Easter dinner.

Then it was Easter with so much candy and chocolate.

So I’d be willing to bet good money I’ll be up tomorrow as well. I did try and go for a run today, and I am doing my best outside the candy, so…we’ll see how much I’m up.

It’s like any habit, though. You fall off, and you get back on.

So I’m going to watch a badass movie first. What’s a badass movie, you ask? I’m glad you asked.

These are movies featuring badass people that I admire. Well, let’s qualify that. These are, generally, fictional people, doing things that I in no way ever want to do. Jason Bourne is a great example of this, so is Bond in Casino Royale, Don Draper in Mad Men, George Clooney’s character in Up In The Air, the real Ewan MacGregor in Long Way Round/Down and Joshua Jackson’s character in One Week. Some of it is physical badassery, like being able to overcome great physical obstacles and take down superior enemies, while some of it is more mental badassery or style-based badassery. But these things inspire me. I know I will never fit in a suit the way Don Draper does, and I will never be able to take down multiple armed enemies the way Jason Bourne does. But I can get a little closer if I focus on my goals and work at it. And while martial arts is not really something I want to pursue, that level of physical excellence is inspiring. All these things make me think that if I work hard and keep at it, I can and will be able to do some of the things they do.

The other thing that gets me back on the wagon is girls.

I know, I know, I should do this for myself, not for others. And I am, for the most part. But a large part of why I’m doing this to feel more confident in my own skin.

And so for inspiration, I do occasionally think back on the ones who got away. I have some old pictures I rifle through, I seek out a mutual friend and find out what one of these girls is up to. There’s a couple who I always liked, but never got up the courage to approach. The way they acted, held themselves, the things they accomplished, all inspired me to be a better person and made me want to have this awesome person in my life. I wanted to be more like them and wanted to be able to measure up, so I could have the courage to chat them up and see what happened.

Odds are I would have put these girls on pedestals and it never would have worked anyway. But they serve as inspiration. I’ve dated some amazing girls, but it’s the ones I never tried for that both haunt, and drive me to do more, to be better. So that the next time I meet one of those, I’ll be ready.

Cause they always, always, come out of nowhere.